Pandemics make people do strange things. Like starting a podcast when you never even listened to podcasts before deciding to do a podcast. And that’s just what I did.

If you’ve read A Sassy Little Guide to Getting Over Him, you’ll know my heart and humor…and appreciation of cutting to the chase to get to the nugget. I’m bringing that as I discuss topics like shame, climate change, ageism and financial fears with experts, celebrities and every-day people who share their experiences with challenges or circumstances that may seem insurmountable, or situations we simply need to change perspective on, or learn to accept or embrace.

Please join me each Wednesday for a new topic. My guests are smart, funny and honest and I hope you enjoy the conversations we’re having. The podcast is available wherever you like to listen. You can sign up for the newsletter that will keep you posted on what’s coming up. Listen in and let me know what you think!

For decades (centuries), there has been someone somewhere who swears they have the secret to how to win back your lost love. All you need to do is this or that and — POOF! — you will win him back. There ends up being a list of hoops to jump through: wear these kinds of clothes, do that with your hair, walk a certain way, talk a certain way, act a certain way then light a candle, dance naked under a full moon, say a prayer or cast a spell. All it takes is you changing, or pretending to, and then he will be yours.

Ladies, it’s 2018. Can we finally call bullshit on all that?

First of all, why on earth would you want someone who doesn’t want you? That’s the question you need to answer, so I’m going to ask it again: Why do you want someone who doesn’t want you? Isn’t that just nuts?!? Of course, it is. And yet, there’s a multi-million dollar industry preying off of that insecurity. Let’s bankrupt them, shall we?

We can be honest here. It can be scary thinking that you won’t find the love of your life. It can make you sad being single when all of your friends are coupled up. It hurts like a futhermucker when your heart is broken. It hurts really effing bad when it gets broken by the one you believed was THE ONE! But — and you’re going to have to trust me on this — the one who’s THE ONE isn’t going to walk away from you. The one who does is Number Two.

You cannot “win back” someone who wanted to lose you. And you shouldn’t want to. My favorite saying is, “Man’s rejection is God’s protection.” That’s just another way of saying, “Whew! Dodged a bullet. Cheers, Universe!” If someone lets you go, let them. It is for the best. No, really, it is.

I can hear your arguments already. Let’s address them: Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. BUT they are few and far between. Perhaps your timing is off (someone is finishing up some personal business, dealing with matters best left to be dealt with on one’s own) or the two of you need to step away to get perspective on your problems so you can regroup and work on them together (with a counselor or the like). But let’s not BS ourselves on this. That means the two of you are talking about this like adults and one of you (namely you) isn’t guessing (hoping) that’s the reason why the two of you are apart and assuming the break is temporary. That is silly. Don’t do that. Yes, sometimes there are ways to fix it but, if that’s the case, then you are working together to get back together and it’s not you trying to win him back. See? Big diff.

While love can hurt, it should never be demeaning. If you feel you have to be different in order to “win” him, you’ve already lost (your mind and/or your self-respect). The simple answer to “why” it didn’t work out or “why” he didn’t want you is that he wasn’t right for you. The two of you were not a fit. And, believe it or not, that is a blessing. It is a bullet dodged. You should feel a huge sense of relief. Here’s why:

There is someone out there looking for someone exactly like you, someone who will think you are wonderful just as you are and will feel he’s the luckiest so-and-so under the sun because he gets to be with you. And you will feel the same way about him. But, if you’re busy chasing the wrong one, you just might miss him. You will be so preoccupied (obsessed) with winning back a loser you will not see the amazing person approaching. So, I’ll ask you again: Why on earth would you want someone who doesn’t want you? Let that lunkhead go and move forward so you are free to find the one who is THE ONE. And that won’t require a spell to be cast, a certain outfit or hairstyle worn, or a special way of walking/talking/being other than your natural, super-fantastic self.

I have one more favor to ask: Please stop buying into the bullshit that you have to trick a man into loving you. That you have to pretend to be different than who you truly are to be attractive. Because the only thing you are certain to attract by doing that is a selfish, shallow asshole. You deserve better. Let yourself have it. xo

 

 

A breakup is one of life’s biggest NOs. If it’s not something you wanted, it can be devastating. Even if you initiated it, there’s a sting because, nope, it wasn’t working, what you wanted or needed. Whichever side of it you were on, if you’re lucky, you might feel relief. More often than not, though, you feel like all the air has left the world and you can’t breathe.

If that’s where you are right now, take in a deep breath and hold it. Feel how full your lungs are. Now slowly exhale. The constriction that you felt should be lessened. Do it again. Then again. And again. You are breathing. You are on the mend. And when you feel like the air is gone, force yourself to breathe again. When you pull in that air, tell yourself YES. YES, you are going to get through this. YES, things will get better each day. YES, you deserve more and better from life. YES, you are going to be fine.

The other YES I suggest is agreeing to follow the Ground Rules and Steps. I know some might find them harsh, but there’s a reason for them. Time might be the best healer of wounds, but distance is also a powerful salve. You need both in order to get over this ending. Don’t waver in that. The more you keep the focus on your healing, the faster you will get over it. And, isn’t that what you want?

The best YES is the one you give to yourself. Say YES to moving on. Say YES to letting go. Say YES to opportunities. Say YES to believing that good things will come. One YES I have found to be extraordinarily true is that, if you do let go and move on, the next relationship you have will be so much better than the last (even if you don’t think that is possible; trust me, it is). You won’t have to repeat the same patterns or make the same mistakes. You won’t tolerate the same bad behavior and you won’t attract a partner who would show you that kind of disrespect. And that is something to say YES to, no?